When a really good friend said she thought I was being ‘selfish with my time‘ it jolted me – I wasn’t totally aware of what I had been doing; if an evening get-together needed me to drive there, I would do the basic minimum (feeling ashamed as I write that now) – I’d turn up, order supper, chat etc and then make an excuse to leave early so I could get back home, home to the ‘the safety and comfort’ of my bottle of wine. “They wont miss me nipping off” I said to myself, after all they lived locally or had a partner to pick them up. Saying that to myself helped make it ok for me, and yes I was being selfish with my time, but, more importantly, I was being selfish with my presence, my energy – I was always thinking how soon will it be ok to make my excuses and leave. This was just one occasion but the impact of those words ‘you are selfish with your time Claire’ brought into focus a myriad of similar times.
I was always thinking how soon will it be ok to make excuses and leave – get back home to my botte of wine
Of course I didn’t like hearing those words – we don’t like it we when someone holds the mirror up to us – I wanted to bat it back at her, be defensive, be angry – but that day, those candid words from a place of love, were what I needed to hear, I was ready and it was a blessing.
It brought into focus what I was doing in my life, with my life and this started a domino effect leading to many many more ah-ha and oh shit!!! moments – this is me, this is my life – I am doing this to myself. Oh fuckedy fuck!
As is often the way with those big clunking moments of self-awareness, its often not just one single thing is it.
Looking back, there there were so many nudges; so much of my mental energy was being taken up by thinking about drinking and then the feeling awful and berating myself after the drinking. In fact the actual drinking took less time than all the bleeding thinking about the drinking!! Oh the irony!
Skipping now to 12th April 2022 – my 60th Birthday, I had COVID and any plans to celebrate were scuppered. Two of my bestest pals surprised me and rocked up (with gin of course) and we sat around the firepit with some glasses of posh bubbles – it was my 60th after all!
Another of those nudges – how bad do I have to feel to NOT drink.
I learnt, in the words of TEDx Speaker Jolene Park who coined the term, that I was a “Gray Area Drinker” (GAD) – (Jolene defines gray area drinking as the “space between the extremes of rock bottom and every-now-and-again drinking”) I was defo in that space and the writing was on the wall – I was heading one way and that was towards rock bottom. I had this strong sense that alcohol, instead of giving me things like fun and confidence and the ability to socialise – took more than it could ever give. Talk about lying! It was a thief, it stunts emotionally, spiritually, physically – talk about being mis-sold!
Now, after over 5 months of sobriety, I view things and myself differently, with a lot more kindness, with truck loads more self-compassion and after reading and learning about alcohol, I also have far greater awareness that, yes it may have been perceived that I was being selfish with my time, but the person my drinking had the greatest impact on was me.
I will soon be an Accredited Sober Coach, and in January 2023 I start working with women* who are “getting the nudges”, who know deep down that alcohol is holding them back and who are ready to break through the fear and really dial up on being their true authentic selves
Sound like you? Want to find out more?
Contact me here and we can chat